The see-all, end-all guide to n00bz & the 1337 gamers that pwn them

Sound familiar? Congrats to you; you’re a total n00b. For those of you completely out of the gaming loop, I am, in fact, correct in my spelling; it really is n00b. And what, pray tell, is a n00b? Allow me to school you…n00b.

The origins of the word itself are buried in the dim haze of ancient ‘leet-speak’ created long ago (i.e. the 80’s). As the internet ballooned into the monstrosity it has become nowadays, bastardized insults and claims of triumph found their way from the keyboard to the console. Slowly but surely, the text gained momentum until gamers across the planet relied on the language they had created on a daily basis.

Thus, the dialect of g4m3rz, h4X0rz, and 1337 internet users was born; the hallowed code of 1337-5p34|{ (that’s elite-speak to you, ya friggin’ n00b).

And as the culture of the world-wide-web began to blossom, so did gaming culture on ‘teh intraweb’. And, as with all cultures, there were insiders, and there were outsiders. You either got the game, or your hopeless ass couldn’t even figure out how to change your name from ‘Player’. Thus, newbie evolved into newb, which transformed into the somewhat insulting n00b. For a n00b is not just someone green to the world of online gaming; a n00b is a complete moron, incapable of grasping game play, or simply an online jerk-face.

How to tell if you’re a n00b; you suck, in general.

Here I have listed for your benefit some of the worst symptoms of being n00b-ish. If you display three or more of these characteristics, don’t bother seeking help. Just stop playing the game. Seriously, dude. We’d all really appreciate it.

1. Can’t change name from the generic ‘Player’: Come on, are you really that stupid? Oh. Right. You are.
2. Need to ask help about general controls: It’s a freakin’ video game, buddy, not the space shuttle. If you try actually messing around with it, you might figure out how to fire your weapon. Maybe.
3. Have played a certain game for at least a year and you still suck: This is criminal. You are permanently grounded from ever touching a video game, ever. In fact, you can’t even watch me while I play. Suck it, Trebek.
4. So bad at getting around maps that you get ‘lost’ in your own base: I always laugh to the point of crying whenever I see some poor sap running around in circles, trying to escape the clutches of his own base. It’s not a damn maze, idiot. If you took two seconds to see which way everyone was running you wouldn’t come off as half the moron you are. Which is barely an improvement. But still.
5. Can’t get a single kill for the entirety of a game: I can understand the dudes that come into a map with thirty seconds or so left in the match, and not being able to find a nearby victim. But if you have been in the map for thirty minutes and your score is still zip, consider pulling the pin on a grenade and hanging on to it. At least you can say you killed something that way.
6. Can’t figure out how to type in the console: Ah, yes, the silent victims. Helpless like newborn babes, lacking in the capacity of speech. At least babies have an excuse for being mute dumbasses, though.
7. Get confused when you respawn: “WTF I thought I was dead!” Seriously, did you expect an 8-bit screen to flash ‘Game Over’ after your 10-second debut to online gaming? Go back to your Nintendo and leave the FPS games to the pros.
8. Try to kill your teammates as you genuinely think they are the enemy: I will reserve sympathy for those who might be colorblind, or simply blind. Everyone else is guilty of this is a bozo of the highest degree. Unless you’re doing it on purpose. Then I LOL. And then I kill you.
9. Fragging yourself repeatedly with grenades: Nothing brings a chuckle to my face faster than watching a n00b toss a grenade (usually at nothing) and then run after it like a dog fetching a frisbee. It makes me feel all warm inside, knowing that such people actually exist in this world. Also, props to those that pull the pin but never release the grenade at all. Lawl.
10. Spending the entire duration of a game standing in the corner of your respawn, talking smack on everybody: No one likes an internet tough guy. For all we know (or care), you are an 8 year old weakling that already has issues with insecurity. But I hear that AOL has some really bomb-diggety chat rooms that would be better suited for venting your pre-pubescent angst. Just make sure mommy and daddy know you’re logged on.

I could go on (and on and on…), but I would like to think you get the general idea. And no matter how long a game has been around, there always seems to be a n00b or two around to keep the rest of us entertained. So this beer’s for you, Mr. I-have-no-freaking-clue-how-to-switch-weapon-classes, because the rest of the gaming world is laughing, thanks to you.

Don’t hate the ‘Player’, hate the game.

On the other side of the FPS fence sits the 1337 gamer himself. This beast of a fragger needs no online lesson to tell him what he is (although you l33+ G4m3R$ are welcome to read on and give yourselves a pat on the back for being rad and stuff), yet I feel obligated to let the n00bs out there know who is tearing them apart online.

The 1337 gamer wields pwnage like a ninja kicks ass with katanas (or a pirate kicks ass with his cutlass, to be fair to everyone). Once you get into the swing of an online game, it’s pretty easy to pick this guy out of the crowd. He’s the one single-handedly keeping the enemy team holed up in their own base, or picking off everybody trying to get into his. If he’s on the other team it probably hasn’t taken you long to feel the wrath of his skillz. And if you’re n00b-ish in nature, than you have probably felt his mockery as well; “LOL u suxxorz” is a common response to those low-level schmucks that cross his path. And forget about killing this guy, ever. Check the score, has probably got few or no kills this game. In fact, killing him might just be impossible unless you, too, possess 1337 skillz.

So there you have it, n00b. Feel intimidated? Don’t. We were all n00bs at one point in our gaming lives. We just wised up finally, that’s all. So put your nose to the grindstone and practice your bunny-hopping and sniping skills. Maybe one day you’ll be able to take on my 1337 skills.

But don’t count on it.